Back to school again

My status update on Facebook on August 24 mentioned it being the start of the 16th year I have been in the CS department at the beginning of an academic year.  I was thinking back to when I started as an undergrad.  I was so nervous and didn't feel like I knew what I was doing.  I can remember going the week before classes and buying my textbooks and like a total noob, bought brand new books thinking new = best.  I walked my schedule to make sure I knew where everything was so at least I wouldn't be a lost noob. 

I found my English Comp classroom which had a couple of people sitting inside.  I was standing in the doorway and one of the people asked if I needed anything.  I asked "are you the teacher for this classroom?"  I remember them looking at me like an idiot, but I didn't know that faculty had offices and taught in whatever classroom was available. 

I've written about finding confidence as a musician, but I certainly didn't have it as a brand new freshman.  Hindsight is 20-20, but I wonder what I could have done if I'd felt more like I belonged just like I thought everyone else did.  I tell our students to jump in and try different things, but I didn't do that.  One of the reasons I encourage students to try new things is how do you know what you are good at, if you've never even tried it? 

I've always loved being a student.  My "to read" list is growing longer and longer.  I love learning new things and trying to make things better.  I wish I could go back and give my 17 year old self a pep talk.  Most likely, many of the other students were nervous and unsure of themselves, too.  They might have been first generation students too, feeling the pressure to make sure that they did everything perfectly, to prove the naysayers wrong.  Trying to find enough time in the day to practice for three different ensembles and for individual lessons on piano and percussion, while doing my other course work.  And doing all of that while commuting.

I never really felt like I had "it all together" while I was a student.  Looking back, I think I had it together a lot more than I thought I did.